How do you do it? How do you eat everyday without purging? Because I’ve been trying and succeeding at distracting myself for 3 weeks so I wouldn’t purge, but I can’t keep doing it. And my medicine is working; I don’t want to kill myself anymore. I don’t want to hurt myself. But I can’t look at myself in the mirror anymore because I’ve gained what feels like 50 lbs in the past 3 weeks that I’ve been eating. I’m still addicted. I’m addicted to counting calories. I’m addicted to skipping meals. I’m addicted to purging. And I always will be. I’ll always struggle.
Last time I saw my family at my niece’s birthday party, I hadn’t eaten and kept down food in days. Everyone was saying things like, “You look beautiful, have you lost weight? You look thinner.” My sister said my face looked thinner. That’s what I need this for. I need this to be beautiful. I can’t eat. I won’t.
When I get a text from someone, no matter who, and they ask how I am, how do I respond?
The truth: Well, everything really sucks, I can hardly ever keep down a meal, I’m constantly counting calories, I won’t eat over 800 calories a day without purging, my therapist thinks I may be throwing up half of my medicine because I don’t wait long enough after I take it before I eat and purge, I just carved the word “FAT” in my hip because I’m trying to keep down my dinner, I don’t want to do this anymore, I just want to die.
Or what they expect me to say: I’m fine, thanks. How are you?
Yeah. That’s what I thought…
I ate dinner.
I didn’t count calories.
I didn’t think about the weight.
I didn’t think about any numbers.
I ate dinner.
I’m not purging it.
I specifically took my medicines with dinner so I wouldn’t purge.
I can’t purge.
I feel like shit.
But I ate dinner…
So I ate dinner. And lunch. And I kept it down. And I feel sick and disgusting and I want to purge and cut and cry. I was distracted for a while with watching Demi on the X Factor, but now…I don’t know. I’m probably just going to go to sleep…
I just ate a plate of pasta. How am I supposed to keep this down?? I had 90 calories all day until that. I need to get rid of this…
Having a panic attack for fighting myself on whether I actually want to eat something and keep it down or not? That sums up my night. I’ll probably end up crying hysterically soon…
That moment when I have hardly eaten, and I start to feel like I’m going to throw up; when I realize I’m shaking from the lack of food. But I really don’t want to eat. I don’t deserve it. And what makes it easier is that there’s nothing to eat in my house. Good thing.
I’m not happy. I have depression. I remind myself of every stupid/awkward/obnoxious thing I do, or have done for the past 10 or so years. I remind myself of everything wrong with me- I’m extremely fat, my hair’s too dry, my skin’s horrible, my teeth are messed up…the list goes on and on. I hurt myself to try to punish myself for it. I’ve developed an addiction to cutting and I tend to starve myself a lot, and purge when I eat more than I probably should. But I still won’t ever kill myself.
My mom died. She was really too young to die. But she did. She got Cancer and fought it really hard. There were days when she said she couldn’t do it anymore, but she kept fighting. She was throwing up from Chemo all the time, she was sleeping even more, and she felt so sore and weak. She could hardly even eat to maintain some strength because the poison that was running through her body, trying to keep her alive, made her so sick that she’d throw it up almost immediately.
But she fought to live.
She died…what. Six months into her fight?
I’m staying alive for my mom, because she didn’t get to. She wanted to live, to watch me grow up, graduate high school, go through dating, get married, have kids… She wanted to see me do all that.
She wanted to grow old with my dad and wake up and fall in love a little more every day.
She wanted to see my brother graduate college and get married and have kids, too.
She’s not here in person, but some part of me will always believe she’s here.
She’s the soft sound of the leaves crinkling, she’s in the flowers, she’s my breath in the winter, she’s the thunder and lightning and rain in a storm, she’s the wind blowing my hair back, she’s in me. She’s part of me. I’m going to live for my mom. I’m going to make her fight worth something.
I’d honestly love to kill myself. I believe that after all the pain I’ve gone through, I’d get to Heaven and see my mom and live eternally with her without anymore pain. But I’m not going to do that. I’m going to live.
People struggle and fight to try to live everyday. Don’t ever under-value your life. You are beautiful and worthy and will make it. Next time you consider suicide, just think about that, okay? I know I will. It’s never worth it. <3
No one is going to make me eat if I don’t want to. And I don’t want to.