When someone asks about my mom? I just say she’s dead. That’s it. She’s dead. It’s not that I’m trying to be all whatever about it. I’m just jaded. I don’t wanna make it a big deal. I’m just done. I don’t wanna cry anymore. If I cry again, I’m afraid I might never stop…
Rest in Peace, Mommy…I’ll miss you forever. I love you, Infinity & Beyond, Buzz Lightyear. <3
I never thought this would happen, but I’m going to miss high school. I actually had a good year. I started my medication in August and it helped me focus and see things clearer. I was able to not be blacked out by all the sorrow. I didn’t need to cut or starve or purge as often (that being said, every recovery has its relapses.) I enjoyed all of my classes. Even the classes that I didn’t have friends in, they were still really enjoyable. I loved most of my teachers, too. I felt comfortable around them and during some of our essays, I was able to add some personal information without feeling awkward about it; I knew they’d get it and wouldn’t be freaked out about the issues I’ve come across in my life. I’ve had some of the best times this year. But now my high school career is coming to an end, and all of the experiences I’ve had the last four years seem to be an entire previous chapter in my life: My mom getting Cancer and passing away from it; Cutting, starving, and purging; Getting closer with my family; Discovering what I want to do with the rest of my life; My step into recovery. All of this happened in the last four years and it’s all fading away into the past as I leave the one place that could be called my second home. I hated high school for the longest time, but this year, I actually didn’t. I don’t know what I’m going to miss most… the teachers who I felt that I could trust and confide in, the classes that actually helped prepare me for college and my future, or the routine that I’ve grown accustomed to after so long. I know transitioning into college is the next healthy move and that change is inevitable. I know that God would never send me more than I could handle. But this is going to be so difficult. Nostalgia has kicked in and it’s hitting me hard. I am blessed to have had the senior year that I did, and I’m going to miss it. Well, class of 2013…here we go…
When I find the picture I made Mommy 2 and a half years ago to hang in her hospital room whenever she was admitted for something with her cancer. Crying myself to sleep now… #Cancer #Fight #Hospital #Death #Crying #Sad #RIP
So my antidepressants have been prescribed.
They’re in the pharmacy now.
My dad said we’d get them tomorrow.
But then he decided he wanted to wait until Sunday..he asked me if it’s okay.
"Are you kidding me? Do you know how I’ve been feeling? Do you understand that that’s one more day of me feeling like this? And they won’t even kick in for almost 2 weeks! Do you realize that I start school Monday?! How about that I want to kill myself enough at home, and that that feeling will increase during school??! Can you even comprehend that?! You’re going to be really sorry if I kill myself. We could have these pills tomorrow, and I could not be in this much fucking pain a day sooner."
On another note, I purged my dinner tonight. I feel empty, I am empty, and I want to die.
I fake it oh so well that God Himself can’t tell… </3 #sad #lyrics #music #breathe (Taken with Instagram)
Please understand if I see you again, don’t even say hello </3 #lyrics #love #summer #breakup #sad (Taken with Instagram)
It’s hard to think when losing someone only makes you want to scream </3 #sad (Taken with Instagram)
Accidentally cracked my Demi Lovato case- FML. -.- #demi #lovato #lovatics #sad #crying #overdramatic (Taken with Instagram)
I’m thinking. As always.
Anyway, I’m realizing where my eating problems started.
My household when I was little consisted of my grandma, my mom & dad, my brother, and me. And my grandma was emotionally abusive. She’d call me fat all the time. She’d grab me and say, “I can pinch more than an inch…” since I was barely old enough to walk. I’m remembering it all so vividly now.
And my dad was basically neutral to my appearance. Never criticized or complimented me. And my mom never stood up to my grandma (who is her mother) about it. But still, my mom never went a day without calling my beautiful. And when I did want to start dieting when I was about 7, my mom tried to help me do it in a healthy way.
My brother is emotionally abusive, too. So he’s part of my problem, as well.
When my mom got sick, I had no one to tell me to eat and to be healthy; I had no one calling me beautiful. At least not while she was in the hospital. And I didn’t care about myself then. I just wanted to take care of her.
She’d tell my dad to get me to eat sometimes, but it didn’t work.
My mom was the only one who could help me, I guess.
And then when she passed away, everything got worse. And now I don’t even care about being healthy. These days I either starve myself most of the time, or I binge and purge.
I think I’m going to have a lot to tell my therapist in tonight’s session…
"Have you eaten today?"
“Are you hungry?”
“You need to eat something.”
“I don’t want to.”
“Yes, that’s the point.”
“Do you want to die?”
“Yes… I really do…”