"All the voices in my head, make me wish that I was dead."
“If you just stop eating…”
“You need to look like them…skinny…”
“Take a blade to your skin…but cut deep- you deserve it…”
“Why would you eat that? Go ahead…get rid of it…”
“Drink the pain away…”
“Might as well…they’d be better off…”
“These will make everything better…”
Sad because the guy that I love isn’t in love with me anymore. Sad because he screwed me over too many times for too many years. Sad because I took him back EVERY TIME and I’m fucking pathetic. I’m sad because my mother died 3 years ago and I can’t bring her back. Sad because she left me when I was barely 16 and she promised she never would. Sad because I did everything I could for 9 months to save her. Sad because God still decided to take her but I needed her more. Sad because I would have never become nearly as addicted to cutting as I have been if my mom had been saved. Sad because if she was here, I probably never would have started purging every bit of food I ate for so long. Sad because I felt so abandoned by her and by God for not being there to stop me from hurting myself. Sad because I tried to kill myself and I have that scar to prove it. Sad because I have to be extra cautious when I walk around moving vehicles now since I tried to get myself run over when I wanted nothing more than to die. Sad because I ever wanted to die. Sad because I didn’t. Sad because now I’m 19 and my father is in the fucking hospital with congestive heart failure. Sad because of all the horrible memories I have of hospitals with my mom. Sad because my dad may need a heart transplant. Sad because he’ll be in the hospital on Christmas. Sad because my 23 year old brother is trying to take care of things my dad has always done and he’s forced to be overwhelmed by it. Sad because we don’t have the money to pay our bills. Sad because even though we don’t have enough money, I still asked my brother for some to buy our nieces and nephews Christmas presents. Sad because my family is doing everything they can to be there for me but I still haven’t been truly happy in years. Sad because I don’t want to be with my family on Christmas- I’m a mess. I don’t want to bring them down on a happy occasion. Sad because I’m 19 and I have to worry about this shit and deal with things I shouldn’t have to deal with. Sad because I hate myself and think so lowly of myself that- despite my medicine- I’m still falling back into depression and hurting myself again. Sad because I don’t believe I deserve happiness anyway, so why should this matter…? So when you ask me if I’m okay and I tell you yes and say I’m fine…please just believe me, okay?
When someone asks about my mom? I just say she’s dead. That’s it. She’s dead. It’s not that I’m trying to be all whatever about it. I’m just jaded. I don’t wanna make it a big deal. I’m just done. I don’t wanna cry anymore. If I cry again, I’m afraid I might never stop…
Rest in Peace, Mommy…I’ll miss you forever. I love you, Infinity & Beyond, Buzz Lightyear. <3
I never thought this would happen, but I’m going to miss high school. I actually had a good year. I started my medication in August and it helped me focus and see things clearer. I was able to not be blacked out by all the sorrow. I didn’t need to cut or starve or purge as often (that being said, every recovery has its relapses.) I enjoyed all of my classes. Even the classes that I didn’t have friends in, they were still really enjoyable. I loved most of my teachers, too. I felt comfortable around them and during some of our essays, I was able to add some personal information without feeling awkward about it; I knew they’d get it and wouldn’t be freaked out about the issues I’ve come across in my life. I’ve had some of the best times this year. But now my high school career is coming to an end, and all of the experiences I’ve had the last four years seem to be an entire previous chapter in my life: My mom getting Cancer and passing away from it; Cutting, starving, and purging; Getting closer with my family; Discovering what I want to do with the rest of my life; My step into recovery. All of this happened in the last four years and it’s all fading away into the past as I leave the one place that could be called my second home. I hated high school for the longest time, but this year, I actually didn’t. I don’t know what I’m going to miss most… the teachers who I felt that I could trust and confide in, the classes that actually helped prepare me for college and my future, or the routine that I’ve grown accustomed to after so long. I know transitioning into college is the next healthy move and that change is inevitable. I know that God would never send me more than I could handle. But this is going to be so difficult. Nostalgia has kicked in and it’s hitting me hard. I am blessed to have had the senior year that I did, and I’m going to miss it. Well, class of 2013…here we go…
When I find the picture I made Mommy 2 and a half years ago to hang in her hospital room whenever she was admitted for something with her cancer. Crying myself to sleep now… #Cancer #Fight #Hospital #Death #Crying #Sad #RIP
So my antidepressants have been prescribed.
They’re in the pharmacy now.
My dad said we’d get them tomorrow.
But then he decided he wanted to wait until Sunday..he asked me if it’s okay.
"Are you kidding me? Do you know how I’ve been feeling? Do you understand that that’s one more day of me feeling like this? And they won’t even kick in for almost 2 weeks! Do you realize that I start school Monday?! How about that I want to kill myself enough at home, and that that feeling will increase during school??! Can you even comprehend that?! You’re going to be really sorry if I kill myself. We could have these pills tomorrow, and I could not be in this much fucking pain a day sooner."
On another note, I purged my dinner tonight. I feel empty, I am empty, and I want to die.
I fake it oh so well that God Himself can’t tell… </3 #sad #lyrics #music #breathe (Taken with Instagram)
Please understand if I see you again, don’t even say hello </3 #lyrics #love #summer #breakup #sad (Taken with Instagram)
It’s hard to think when losing someone only makes you want to scream </3 #sad (Taken with Instagram)
Accidentally cracked my Demi Lovato case- FML. -.- #demi #lovato #lovatics #sad #crying #overdramatic (Taken with Instagram)